Dwell in Beauty

I rarely do sentimental, mushy blog posts. I don't really think I'm worthy of the faith-filled, passion-driven, life-affecting blog posts. There are so many bloggers who do that and they do it better than I ever could. Because they are faith-filled, passion-driven, and life-affecting.

Maybe that's why I avoid composing the deep blog posts. Why I write about the fluffy things in my life - my family, my stuff, scrapbooking. I guess I wonder if I can even be someone who blogs deeply, one who blogs deeply and well. Perhaps I'm afraid of attempting it. Am I one who is moved to speak about life's journey and how sometimes I feel like I am drowning and other times I feel rescued for unknown reasons? I do know I want my posts to me a little more thought-provoking and have wanted that since I first started posting.

Then I started reading some incredibly deep blogs. Blogs where women (just realized, I don't read any male blogs...interesting) bare their actual selves, the good, the bad, the interesting, the incredibly moving. And I have become very drawn to reading very deep blog posts.

That's how I found Sarah Markley and her post on beauty this week is truly touching. And I am taking the challenge. This is the perfect moment for me to make this blog a little deeper. Here is what beauty is for me.

Beauty and I go waaaay back. Back to being a little girl who was just about as girly as you get. Dresses were worn daily with the matching lace ankle socks and patent-leather mary janes. I know I felt like I was a beautiful child. Outer beauty alone defined me. And I know that bubble popped.

And the pretty clothes changed to drabish uniforms. And I conformed. To everyone and everything. Heck-I was a full-blown people pleaser. And I lost the sense of what made me beautiful and why. I was consumed by an overwhelming lack of anything beautiful in me.

Once I went to college I had a tiny ounce of freedom. I tried to make myself beautiful. I needed to have the most fashionable clothes, the hippest bags, the chicest makeup. I wanted desperately to be beautiful.

And now I have to face the reality that all the stuff the world can't make me happy or make me beautiful. I know it's something I should have learned when we all learn that in first grade, but I learned it late. And I'm still learning it. Now I'm embracing it. Beauty can't be bought. It doesn't come in a jar. You can certainly trick people into thinking you are beautiful, but there is so much more inner destruction that happens when you go that route. When I went that route.

I became truly ugly instead.

vain

gossiping

arrogant and haughty

dare I say something that rhymes with witchy

the girl who sees everyone else's splinter, but misses her own plank

high and mighty

lack of stability

faith-less

This is the farthest thing from beauty. The absolute depths of the grotesque.

And so I am now on a path to find the beauty that is already in me.

To seek the goodness.

Trust me, finding the real, true, inner beauty is worth the harrowing journey.

I now find that by embracing my flaws, accepting their existence, and focusing on eradicating the ugly, I can find my beauty.

I am finding my authentic self, the woman who likes bold patterns, heavy-hearted books, and loves supporting friends who share in the good and the bad. The woman who is beautiful. Inside and out. Without needing to try too hard.

I now know that seeking my existing beauty is more amazing than trying to buy it from somewhere else. Finding people who support beauty makes the journey a lot easier, too. And as my inspirational and truly beautiful voice teacher once told me, to be truly happy one must always dwell in beauty.

Now is my time to dwell

and admire

and encourage

and experience

and be beauty every day

Because once I revealed the bad and the very ugly, the beauty finally started to emerge.

The light of goodness is starting to gleam a little brighter.