Weigh in.

Someone commented last week that I look as though I've lost weight and wondered what New Year's Resolutions I've kept. Truthfully, this happened by accident, but I feel the need to share the truth.

Here I am exactly one year ago:

And this is me now.

Yes, I've lost weight. About 10 pounds. But I admit that I didn't lose it the healthy way. 

It was totally stress related and I'm not proud of that. 

Basically, in October with the hurricane, I stopped eating. The stress was horrible. We'd be at my parents' cleaning and a combination of emotions, the odors of salt water (or as my husband refers to it, the fish tank that was my parents' home), and the pressure to get the clean out done quickly all contributed to my lack of appetite. Some people eat more when they're stressed and I'm the opposite. 

Christmas Eve, a night of seven fish dishes, my mother-in-law severely burnt her hand and we all went into crisis mode.  I ate shrimp cocktail and a tiny bit of spagetti. That's how I kept the weight off during the holidays. Stress compounded upon stress.

But, there have been some other changes that I think made this happen. 

I have new food allergies and they make me question what I eat more often. We know I am allergic to tree nuts, peanuts and avocados. When I tell you I could eat a full pound of guacamole by myself, I am not kidding. I would slice an avocado open and eat it out of the skin as a snack. Now that's over. I used to be able to deal with the tongue swelling and facial hives, but now eating a simple California roll with tiny slices of avocado leads to stomach issues and I really hate stomach cramps. So I have to avoid eating it. With these new allergies, I avoid things that I might be able to eat (cookies that could have almond extract, meatballs that could have pine nuts) but can't be sure how they'll affect me. So I am eating less baked goods (to be honest, I'm not a sweets person to begin with, so this wasn't the most difficult thing for me. Guac was harder), eating out less and eating fresh cooked meals at home more than we used to. In addition to my known allergies, I suspect that I have a sensitivity to the sulfites in red wine. So there's something else that I now avoid. 

We are eating much better at home. My husband is the culinary expert at home and he has been really focused on dropping some pounds, so it's been whole grain pasta (my grandmother would be horrified!!), lots of green veggies, lean meat, and fish. We are eating healthier lunches at work, too with the yummy leftovers.

The clothing I wear now fits me. After realizing that I had lost weight, I was able to wear clothes that were too small for me in the past. And I learned that I was wearing clothes that were too bulky and not fitted at all for too long. I donated all clothes that did not flatter me. If it was gappy or too loose, it went. 

 I also got a bra fitting and that made a huge difference in how tops fit me. 

So, the moral of the story? I gained 20 pounds the year after I got married. That was tough for me, but I didn't make any lifestyle changes to make things better. Now I have lost 10 of those pounds and I want to be healthier and keep them off the right way. How? I've asked a friend to challenge me at the gym. I don't even know how to walk into a gym let alone use any of the machines, but I need to do this. And I am eating better food with more nutrients. I'm also back into knitting and crafty things, which has helped my spirits bounce back (I know that the weight loss was more than that and likely affected my emotions more than I think).

I believe in honesty. So as much as I would like to say that I did everything right by dieting and exercising, I have to admit the truth, that I was an emotional wreck which affected my eating habits. I'll be trying hard to be healthier in many areas of my life and starting with my weight is first on the list. 

Looking Back at 2012

This is now the fourth year that I have answered these questions about the past 12 months. I don't really edit these or try to be cool about the answers. The responses are totally honest and I try not to over think them.

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

We took a week's vacation and actually got away. Even if it was only a car trip away, we unplugged and relaxed in the Catskill mountains. It was perfect.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

Probably a 'duh' but having my family's home flood was the absolute most stressful moment we have ever experienced as a family. But (and I've said this so many times over the past two months) God gave us the strength and put people into our lives who allowed us to get through this. People donated their time and money to help my parents - it's given us all a great deal of hope.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

Our themed dinner parties. These informal parties with a few of our favorite people allowed us to deepen relationships (and enlarge our waistlines, but who cares!).

This photo is from our Chinese party. Most creative costume? Fritz as a panda. Since I am blonder than I pay to be, it took me 1/2 an hour to realize what he was dressed as.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

Getting rid of my scrapbook stuff. It was a great release in the end, but it was hard to part with supplies that I spent so much money on, yet hadn't used in years. 

5. Pick three words to describe 2012.

Intense, invigorating, emotional

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2012 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

stressed, tired, motivated

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2012 (again, without asking).

fun, spur-of-the moment, stressful

8. What were the best books you read this year?

Once again, I used Goodreads to track the books I enjoyed this year. And I missed my goal of 30 books again (probably because the last book I've been reading is 650 pages and about Tudor England...it's a bear to get through). Here were my favorites:

Best Fiction that I listened to was Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. My word, this stuck with me!!! The narration was unreal. I seriously was obsessed with getting people to listen to this book. Those who read it thought I was crazy for liking it (apparently there are lots of cross-outs and blank pages) but it was so touching and so beautiful to hear the story read to me.

Favorite biography/memoir was Unbroken

I listened to this one too. Just wonderful.

Best fiction that I read was the Lost Wife

Best book I never knew I would love was 11/22/63 by Stephen King.

My husband is a crazy Stephen King fan and his books fill the shelves in our home. I however, tried to read the stand 12 years ago, got 50 pages in and vowed never again to even attempt another King novel. Then I heard SK was writing a JFK book. And that characters from It would make an appearance. So I listened to It at the end of last year (and just so you know - I thought it was too long and no, I did not need to read that. Sure, it made about ten pages of 11-22-63 a little cooler, but it was three months of my life listening to that other book when I could have been reading this one). I will say 11-22-63 was wonderful. And I think most of you know I have an obsession with JFK conspiracies (although this book isn't that at all), so it was natural that I would want to read this. And I really enjoyed it. 

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

Freddy and I stayed strong. Actually, we had a lot of fun together this year.

And we grew closer with our parents. Freddy's family is moving out of state so we have been soaking up the time we have left together and valuing that time together much more than in the past.

My parents are not the type to call and say hi. In fact, we used to talk once a week. Now that's changed and we try to talk every other day even if it's just to say I love you. 

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

As my husband said, 2012 was supposed to be the year of physical and fiscal responsibility. We ate so much better this year, preparing lots of meals at home. We also took Dave Ramsey's FPU class and although we have years of work to do to get to baby step 3, we are hoping that we can battle with our money so it works for us.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I am less reactive. I try not to give people the benefit of the doubt. I ponder things more.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

Prayer has become something I automatically do in a crisis moment or when I am stressed. This has taken a long time for me to do naturally, but the peace it brings makes me wish I did this sooner.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

I kept gaining weight until October when I got so stressed. Now I've lost the 10 pounds I needed to, but not in a healthy way. Last year I hoped to go to the gym and that didn't happen. Maybe this year? 

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

I'll say it again, having wonderful girlfriends in my life has been lovely. Thank you Katie, Paige and Lauren!

(obviously Lauren and I need to take more pics together).

I've never been good at making friends so having these uplifting and inspirational gals in my life to share the happy and the sad makes things much easier.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

I finally learned to keep work at work for the most part, anyway. And I *think* I've become a better manager and learned to handle larger projects better.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Understanding and being ok with the fact that not everyone will like me. 

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Unnecessary stress. Less than last year, but it was still there every now and then.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Definitely helping my family during their recovery. Lots of cleaning, painting and organizing, but we all pulled together. It also gave us time to reconnect with family we didn't see often and work for good together.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

Living a life of gratitude and generosity is a must. 

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2012 for you.

Find joy in the every day and be grateful in the tough moments.

Thank you blog friends for being part of the 2012 journey (even if 90% of it was outfits) with me. I am so blessed to have you as part of my life. Thank you for the emails and comments and for sharing so much of your lives with me. 

Have a beautiful New Year - here's to a 2013 filled with promise!

2011 - A Look Back

This is now the third year that I have answered these questions about the past 12 months. I don't really edit these or try to be cool about the answers. The responses are totally honest and I try not to over think them.

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?
I stopped recklessly spending our money. Sure this sounds naive and silly, but what an incredible change. Giving to our church as soon as we get paid each week and honoring God with our finances has changed the way we spend our money.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Once again, as in 2010, I have been challenged at my job. I am in a management position now and supervise people with whom I was once a peer. We also work in separate buildings, so trying to balance time with staff and my own job can get stressful. I would like to really develop my management skills over the next year and help to develop the staff too.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?
Creating lots of wonderful crafts, especially knitting.

I painted this:

 made rosette necklaces:

 and knit like a crazy chick.

 It's been so relaxing, so comforting. It ties into the spending thing, as I am not going overboard (as I did with scrapbooking) buying supplies (yet) and it has been so rewarding.


Thrifting has been life-changing for me. It fits in the spending wisely goal, gives me the chance to own things I never could have owned before, and teaches me to be grateful. Yes, I get cooler clothes now, but I also have a neat milk glass collection and a budding Pyrex collection that I can afford to enjoy.

 

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?
Hmmmm...I struggled with reading the Word this year. I only participated in one study and I disliked it severely (that's better than hate right?) so I think I became frustrated and disappointed. Just didn't motivate me. I know the remedy is to read and pray and reflect no matter what. My brain just isn't connecting there right now. 

5. Pick three words to describe 2011.
hopeful, simple, creative

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).
Happy, silly, overwhelmed.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking).
Spontaneous, stressful, exciting

8. What were the best books you read this year?
I started legitimately using my Goodreads account to track the books I read this year. I set a goal of 30 books, but I am two books shy of reaching that. Oh well, I enjoyed a ton of great books this year, many of them audio books that I purchased through Audible.

The book with the most impact was One Thousand Gifts. 

Best Fiction that I listened to was The Night Circus. I doubt I would have enjoyed reading it, but I loved Jim Dale's narration.

Favorite non-fiction book was Tudors: The Complete Story of England's Most Notorious Dynasty. I am a geek and have been on a Tudor history kick for a few years now.

Best fiction that I read was the Paris Wife.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?
My husband who keeps me sane and grounded. He's a supportive guy and I need that.

We grew incredibly close with our friends Katie and Dan. We had fun adventures together, we understand where we are in life, we call each other for advice. 

We also joined a community group of young married couples. Even though we have only met three times, I adore these people who are rooted in faith and cheering each other on to endure through things. 

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
Definitely focusing less on what others have and being content with and grateful for what we have. In 2010 I was stuck in the trap of jealousy and this year I was determined to love where we live, work, and what we do for fun. 

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
I say what I feel more often now instead of hiding it. 

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?
We've become part of community, which is so necessary for me to grow.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?
I gained 2 pounds again!! I neeeed to cave and join the free gym at work. I have never done this. I don't know how to do this. Now I am growing and expanding and the thighs? They need new pants to live in monthly. I don't want to say that I will go to the gym daily because I know I won't, but I would like to be healthier overall. I had that little fainting spell in July and it scared the heck out of us. I think I need to start some working out, even if it's just to prevent problems in the future. 

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
We have friends who are parents now - and it's amazing to watch them with their children. I'm thinking of Paige and Michael with Molly. I've seen their family grow and they've allowed us to be part of their little family. It's been so lovely seeing my friend become a mom and watch her be the best mom possible. 

She's an inspiration. And I stole the photo from her blog...


Our friends Debbie and Bobby invited us to their home upstate. We cherish their friendship - they never judge and they encourage us so much. That weekend reminded us of what is important - and allowed us to connect with one another.


15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
In addition to my 9-5 I became a 'virtual assistant' for Rarebits. This has been awesome!! And was unexpected. I love Patty, she's been in my life forever. She's one of my other moms, sharing memories, magazines and her favorite things with me. Being a part of the Rarebits journey is a blast and I love it.

In my admissions job, I am proud of my accomplishments and value my director immensely. She has trusted me to do my job well and I strive each day to do my best. I was fortunate to get my own office this year and am proud of the new relationships I've fostered in other departments on campus.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
Understanding and being ok with the fact that not everyone will like me. 

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
Worrying. About nothing.


18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
Connecting with people rather than sitting at home doing nothing. Much less wasted TV watching.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?
Love the life I have, not the one I dream of having.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.
Enjoying the simple things in life, cherishing the ones we love.

It's Not Where You Start...

Tomorrow I will be celebrating this amazing woman, Mrs. Florence Hardgrove and her 90 years of life.

Mrs. Hardgrove became my voice teacher when I was a freshman in high school and I took lessons from her for ten years. She was with me through the craziness that was high school, my college years, my first big-girl job, and meeting and marrying my husband.

I always say she was/is so much more than a voice teacher. She is my mentor, therapist, political commentator, book club leader, spiritual director...a true inspiration. And what a life she has led! Daughter of a Methodist bishop, she grew up in Virginia and started singing at the age of three. She built airplanes during World War II, sang on a national radio show (along with Beverly Sills), started her own local opera company, sang in the famous New York opera houses, and taught countless students the value of music.

In 2008 she convinced me to sing a concert - 10 songs, all me (all memorized) ranging from classical pieces to opera to Broadway. I remember the cold January night that I got in my car crying because I had no idea how I could do this. It wasn't stage fright, but the idea of needing to do this that scared me most. And 10 months later we did it. And donated almost $1000.00 to Habitat for Humanity from attendees. It was one of the most incredible days of my life - standing room only, surrounded by family and friends and sharing the gift of song. Our favorite song that day? It's Not Where You Start (it's where you finish).  It's what I'll be singing to her tomorrow as we all honor her.

The lesson Mrs. Hardgrove taught me above all others is in this post - to be truly happy one must always dwell in beauty. The beauty of God, the beauty of flowers, the beauty of others, and of course, the beauty of music.

Thank you, Mrs. Hardgrove, for sharing your passion for life and music so self-lessly. You are not just an inspiration, but a hero.

2010 - A Look Back

I remembered a 20-question like post from last year and found this one today on in-courage.  And just realized it's the same one I used last year. But I do remember that it was incredibly thought-provoking and figured, what the heck? Let's share my 2010 in simple words and memories.

20 Questions for a New Year’s Eve Reflection

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

My husband and I became so much more committed to one another. It was a year of spending a lot of our time together and cherishing that.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

Dealing with finances. 

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

Learning that my dear friend Paige and her husband Michael will welcome a new life into the world in 2011. Never being one to know much about children, nor really having mothering instincts, I was so shocked at my excitement for these two people. It's just a real joy.

Another one that comes to mind was the Naked Lady Party aka a clothing and accessory exchange hosted by our dance instructor (and friend) and her daughter. Such a great day of gratitude.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

My job changed this year and the transition was a little hectic.

5. Pick three words to describe 2010.

Simplify (2010's one little word), stressful, faith

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2010 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

busy, together, interesting

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2010 (again, without asking).

connecting (with family and friends), change, prayer

8. What were the best books you read this year?

Oh, this was an easy one:

The Help

This was the best book I read this year. Touching, intensely deep, shocking.

Let the Great World Spin

Something I didn't expect to like, but it really stuck with me.

And of course, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest

A trilogy I never expected to like, but loved (and the movies were amazing).

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

Ah, good question. I'll talk about people besides my husband, because that's obvious.

Definitely with God. After a year of feeling truly forsaken in 2009, this year I felt God's hand in so many ares of my life and truly connected with Him in prayer, reading scripture, and living in faith,

Our friendships have remained true. Paige and Katie and their husbands are just incredible to us. There are few people who you can be bravely bold with and they always allow us to vent, laugh, be us.

My friend Maryann. An incredibly honest and true person.

All our friends, (and our pastor and his wife) in Starting Point (our community group)at our church True North.

Our families who support us and keep us well-fed and connected to each other.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

 I stopped singing at my church this year and when I say that was a very big deal, I mean it. This Christmas Eve mass was the first one I didn't sing at since I was in third grade. But I have more time to spend with my husband and I no longer have to work on the weekends. I do really miss it, though.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I had a slightly-sad year this year which was completely my fault. I have trouble reaching out to others and sometimes bottle up my emotions. I have learned now to appreciate that others care for me and want me to be happy...that's going to be a part of 2011 for sure.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

Incredibly. We found a church that is like home to us, I participated in a couple of Bible Studies and, most importantly, I feel that I actually have a relationship with the Lord, which is huge for me.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

I gained 20 pounds. So I actually grew. Trying to make this less of a big deal than it really is.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

Friendships have deepened and they are no longer surfac-y. Much more meaningful conversations. Spending time with those who are lasting friends has been very important to me. And having friends who will support me is  a gift that I cherished this year.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

I was so excited to be invited to New Orleans to present on behalf of my director. That was an honor. And I was crowned princess Kathleen on my Southwest flight. That was a serious highlight of the year.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Again, the position transition.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Focused on what others had that I lacked.  What a waste!!! And some negativity.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Women in Communications Awards. Almost didn't go to this, but Paige and I had a freaking blast being in the same room as Oprah, Tina Fey, Barefoot Contessa, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Anna Quindlen, and many other inspirational women. So so so so fun.

Beth Moore's Lifeway event. Connected with my mother-in-law and some of her friends and learned the importance of treasuring.

What I wore Wednesday Posts

I've loved the new connections I've made online and love inspiring others and being inspired.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

Go for it! Don't worry about the little things that won't matter next year(or even tomorrow), don't be stressed about others' perspectives of me, actually live the life I have to enjoy.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2010 for you.

Friends, faith, family, love, commitment. 

Once I finished this (I guess it took about an hour) I feel so grateful for the goodness in life, for the blessings of the year, and for friends, family, and a husband who make this life so much more fulfilling.

Happy New Year, all. Thanks for being a part of this blog journey. You've made this year so much brighter (the comments really do make me grin). Love to you all.

Dusty Chairs

Last weekend I spent a lot of time doing a deep-cleaning of the apartment. I don't really mind cleaning. It gets me to appreciate what I have and take care of it.

As I was dusting all the surfaces, I walked through the kitchen and noticed a lot of dust on my kitchen chairs. On all four of them. Who has kitchen chairs that are empty long enough for dust to settle? And it made me incredibly sad.

I then realized we had not eaten at the table together in over two weeks,  we have become so over-scheduled that we grab dinner between our comings and goings. Or eat in front of the tv, which is something I promised to avoid. It makes us so disconnected from one another and prevents us from sharing what happened in the day.

We only had one guest in the past two months. No one just stops by, no family visits us. It is starting to get a little tough to clean for no reason other than it needs to be done. I am one of those people who agrees that having people over motivates getting the place tidy. When I have to do things just for me, it tends to be forgotten and easily pushed off.

How do we fix this lack of interaction? Well, I guess the obvious is setting meal time as us time, which we've actually done a couple of times this week. No distractions other than one another and our lives. And it got us to laugh a little and as always, appreciate what we each go through during the day.

And we need to ask people to come visit, which is something I've always been less than stellar at. I don't want to look desperate for company and so I usually let others do the inviting. And this has to stop. Because we need people to connect with and keep us connected.

So some people may be getting more invites from us, may be hearing from us, and we will be eating many more meals at the table, just to keep those chairs dust-free.

Fix that Attitude

A couple of years ago I was passionately politically minded. To the point of driving me (and likely everyone who knew me) absolutely insane. Ask me about any issue and not only would I tell you my opinion, I would tell you why everyone who disagreed with me was out of their minds and completely full of junk. And from those two years I learned that I was, in the words of Buddy the Elf, "an angry elf."

I was a skeptical pessimist. Always had the mindset of "they're out to getcha" and my glass was empty, it passed the 1/2 empty mark a long time ago. It wasn't that I felt my life was so awful because honestly, I was/am surrounded by incredible people who uplift me, but I became consumed by situations that became obsessions for me to mouth off about.

And I let everyone know that I was unhappy about those world crises. Wore the t-shirts, slapped the stickers on my car, watched the newscasts that made my blood boil and my heart race, listened to radio programs and podcasts that were so anger-driven and hate-filled that I remember shaking as I listened to the talking heads spew their garbage.

It's two years later and my attitude towards politics has radically changed. Some may and have accused this new attitude I've adopted as being despondent stirred with a lack of caring. Might think I am uninformed or unaware of the issues that affect the world. The truth is I update myself on what I need to know. And I still am passionate about the needs of others.  And people call me if something dramatic happens. And truthfully in the year that I have gone on this 'news diet' I haven't missed a thing that would have impacted my life. If anything I have filtered out the negativity and sought out the positivity that really does exist everywhere. I do think this attitude altering has made me calmer, less agitated, less like a gun about to be fired and more reflective, thought-filled and patient.

The bottom line is I can not and will not allow political obsessions to consume my life ever again. Why? Because I've learned that:
-heated arguments are not useful nor informational. Most of the time they are based solely on passion-driven opinions. Never has one such argument changed my opinion nor have I changed the way someone else thought about an issue.
-So much is accomplished from listening to another person. Not sitting there and planning your next line of attack, but genuinely making an effort to hear someone out. It makes you appreciate the other person and value their opinion. And I have learned so much more about people and issues by giving this a try.
-I can't forget that I love the people I associate with. Why would I want to spend time creating divisions and screaming at those who mean the most to me? That was the real kicker - I was pushing away those who I wanted in my life more than anything. And now that I have been tinkering with my attitude I have come to value not just the person, but their whole being, their thoughts, their priorities, their rationale.
-I can't forget who I am. I am not an opinion, a viewpoint, or a political association. I am a passionate person who wants to value life and others. And that is probably a 'duh' but it took me a long time to fix this attitude of mine.

And I have learned a heck of a lot.

Dwell in Beauty

I rarely do sentimental, mushy blog posts. I don't really think I'm worthy of the faith-filled, passion-driven, life-affecting blog posts. There are so many bloggers who do that and they do it better than I ever could. Because they are faith-filled, passion-driven, and life-affecting.

Maybe that's why I avoid composing the deep blog posts. Why I write about the fluffy things in my life - my family, my stuff, scrapbooking. I guess I wonder if I can even be someone who blogs deeply, one who blogs deeply and well. Perhaps I'm afraid of attempting it. Am I one who is moved to speak about life's journey and how sometimes I feel like I am drowning and other times I feel rescued for unknown reasons? I do know I want my posts to me a little more thought-provoking and have wanted that since I first started posting.

Then I started reading some incredibly deep blogs. Blogs where women (just realized, I don't read any male blogs...interesting) bare their actual selves, the good, the bad, the interesting, the incredibly moving. And I have become very drawn to reading very deep blog posts.

That's how I found Sarah Markley and her post on beauty this week is truly touching. And I am taking the challenge. This is the perfect moment for me to make this blog a little deeper. Here is what beauty is for me.

Beauty and I go waaaay back. Back to being a little girl who was just about as girly as you get. Dresses were worn daily with the matching lace ankle socks and patent-leather mary janes. I know I felt like I was a beautiful child. Outer beauty alone defined me. And I know that bubble popped.

And the pretty clothes changed to drabish uniforms. And I conformed. To everyone and everything. Heck-I was a full-blown people pleaser. And I lost the sense of what made me beautiful and why. I was consumed by an overwhelming lack of anything beautiful in me.

Once I went to college I had a tiny ounce of freedom. I tried to make myself beautiful. I needed to have the most fashionable clothes, the hippest bags, the chicest makeup. I wanted desperately to be beautiful.

And now I have to face the reality that all the stuff the world can't make me happy or make me beautiful. I know it's something I should have learned when we all learn that in first grade, but I learned it late. And I'm still learning it. Now I'm embracing it. Beauty can't be bought. It doesn't come in a jar. You can certainly trick people into thinking you are beautiful, but there is so much more inner destruction that happens when you go that route. When I went that route.

I became truly ugly instead.

vain

gossiping

arrogant and haughty

dare I say something that rhymes with witchy

the girl who sees everyone else's splinter, but misses her own plank

high and mighty

lack of stability

faith-less

This is the farthest thing from beauty. The absolute depths of the grotesque.

And so I am now on a path to find the beauty that is already in me.

To seek the goodness.

Trust me, finding the real, true, inner beauty is worth the harrowing journey.

I now find that by embracing my flaws, accepting their existence, and focusing on eradicating the ugly, I can find my beauty.

I am finding my authentic self, the woman who likes bold patterns, heavy-hearted books, and loves supporting friends who share in the good and the bad. The woman who is beautiful. Inside and out. Without needing to try too hard.

I now know that seeking my existing beauty is more amazing than trying to buy it from somewhere else. Finding people who support beauty makes the journey a lot easier, too. And as my inspirational and truly beautiful voice teacher once told me, to be truly happy one must always dwell in beauty.

Now is my time to dwell

and admire

and encourage

and experience

and be beauty every day

Because once I revealed the bad and the very ugly, the beauty finally started to emerge.

The light of goodness is starting to gleam a little brighter.